Wile E. Coyote

The Wile E. Coyote death. That might be what I need someday. Not that I'm particularly eager for my inevitable demise, but it could make things interesting for those left behind. Most funerals are depressing, dull, and ordinary. That's because most of us (including me) are pretty dull and ordinary. Wouldn't it be nice to have a funeral where everyone was there to mourn you, but also exchanged WTF glances across the room?

I can imagine the eulogy:

"Chris was a loving father and devoted husband. He will be missed by his friends and family. Although we may never know why he chose that day, of all days, to wear roller skates to work, it does not change the fact that he was a man who had a special place in the hearts of those who knew him well. Many may be questioning why Chris was taken from us, and they may also be questioning why he strapped that rocket to his back, but we must take comfort in the fact that a higher power was at work and have faith that the consequences of his actions that day will serve a higher purpose. We know that Chris' death has brought renewed attention to train tunnel safety standards. We know that there have already been indictments handed-out to executives of Acme, Inc. And we hope to soon know where the piano came from.

Rest assured that he is now in a better place, and he got there at land speeds never before reached by man."

Stupid Radio

On my lunch today I was listening to a radio broadcast of the congressional hearings on whether or not to provide bailout money to the “Detroit 3” automakers. “Detroit 3”… Right there is a problem with the public perception; it sounds like a gang of bank robbers in the old west or a group of violent antiwar protesters from the 60s.

Anyway, it was educational, but hopelessly depressing. Everyone can go look up the details themselves, but the general consensus seemed to be that one or all of the domestic OEMs will eventually fail within the next five years. And as that is happening, the rest of the economy will continue to get much worse before it gets better. Even if the loans are approved, we can expect to see a continuing exodus of jobs from the state. I am left with a feeling of helplessness that I surely share with my fellow Michiganders. We will soon descend into a state of lawless chaos…apparently. Should I begin fortifying the house? Is it practical to add a bladed battering ram to the front of my Vue? Will that be enough?

I’m particularly worried about our neighbors to the north. I am not sure how the Canadian economy is doing, but I don’t expect that they could possibly be doing much better than us. Right? It’s cold up there and they may get desperate. I can envision raiding parties of hockey stick wielding vikings rowing their way across Lake Huron (Is my four-year-old big enough to wield a broadsword if he has too help defend the property?). On the other hand, I have to wonder what exactly would they be coming to pillage? All we can offer Canada is slightly warmer summer temperatures and rectangular bacon. Heck, at the rate things are going 80% of the state will be abandoned by 2012, so they can probably just move right in if they want. Nobody would even notice.

Maybe Michigan should just relocate now. The whole state. We could all band together and move en-masse in a giant caravan. We have to find someplace decent to settle, so we’ll be bypassing Ohio, Indiana, West Virginia, and Kentucky. I vote for North Carolina. Better climate, growing economy, and an ocean view in case we get homesick for the beach. And there are two Carolinas, so the current residents can move to SC, which would just become “Carolina” once New Michigan got settled. They can share and it’s greedy of them to hoard two perfectly good states anyway.

I forget where I was going with all of this. Oh yeah: Don’t listen to the news. It’s depressing.